Too Many Kevins

Isn't it odd, the little things we remember? Especially when so many big, simple things are so easily forgotten, at least for me anyway. For example, I changed my cellphone number a few months back. That old number, which I'd had for a lot of years, is tied to my discount cards, library cards, frequent flyer cards, frequent hotel sleeper cards, frequent gorger cards at restaurants, etc. And in that moment when I really need to remember it, to save a bunch on gas, or get a free slice of pizza, or get my ‘points’ on purchases of groceries or socks or HDMI cables or whatever, the number slips my mind.

Another example… I eat lots of cheese; grating it for quesadillas, tacos, burritos, chili, soups, baked potatoes, you name it. I’ve grated a lot of cheese in my time. Heck, I’ve grated a lot of cheese this month. But I always forget which cupboard the cheese grater’s in (though I usually get it on the second or third try, which is something, right?)

Another one. I forget, every year, which day is my mom’s birthday, and which day is my brother’s birthday. They’re two days apart, April 23^rd and April 25^th, so I guess it’s understandable, but, after being conscious of at least 35 or 40 of those birthday weeks, you’d think it would sink in a bit by now, wouldn’t you?

Lots of important, significant, and repetitive things I tend to forget; yet I perfectly recall some trivial little things, things of value to hardly anybody that I can imagine. For example, when I was like eight years old, my dad’s boss was named Myron Carlson. Why do I know that?!? And why can I sing every word in the jingle for ‘Hungry Hungry Hippos?’ And how do I remember that a white pair of Keds knockoffs in size 8 at my old job is lot number 83161628? I haven’t sold a pair of those in like 15 years!

My failing memory for the important, useful stuff has gotten me in trouble a few times—forgetting pin numbers, forgetting whether I needed to turn left or right on the way somewhere, or forgetting whether I was supposed to cook the potatoes at 350 or 250 (seriously, why would I cook potatoes at 250? Was I slow-roasting them or something? What was I thinking? Sadly, yeah I did that. Like a month ago. And it really messed up dinner).

On the other hand, my steel-trap memory for some things has come in handy. I won the school spelling bee a couple times, going to the county bee back in 1980. I can typically memorize things like speeches or presentations pretty well, though I need to read through the material a few times to be completely effective. And a few months back, I killed it at a church youth trivia night. No one else knew the continents were divided in the days of Peleg! In fact, no one else had even heard of Peleg! But I also forgot to bring home Teriyaki that same night, and by the time I remembered, Sunny Teriyaki had closed their doors for the night… And we ended up having leftovers or something else that was pretty forgettable.

Another obscure thing I remember is from 4 decades ago. In my first grade class, there were four, yes four Kevins! I remember there was me and another Kevin A, a Kevin W, and if the useless trivial knowledge storage part of my brain is to be trusted, the other Kevin was Kevin R. Four Kevins. Four! That’s way too many Kevins. The memory of all these Kevins got me thinking about something. Something sort of semi-related to all these Kevins. Maybe you’ll recognize what I mean.

In the middle years of high school I found myself falling into a trap. Around my parents, I was a goody two-shoes (someday I will research ‘goody two-shoes,’ there has to be a great story behind that phrase). Around my friends from church, I was fun and maybe just a bit sassy, like a PG comedy. Around the skater dudes I hung out with on occasion I was hardcore, maybe relaxing my standards too much. Around teachers, I did enough to get by and not get in trouble. Around youth leaders, I was a knucklehead sometimes, probably talking back too much and being a general smart alec (knucklehead and smart alec—two more word histories to research).

At my part time jobs, I worked hard and was generally responsible, because I liked getting paid, and in those days there were no verbal-verbal-verbal-written-written-final warnings before you were promoted to customer; you just got fired when your boss thought you stunk. Around the bishop, I minded my p’s and q’s (so many clichés, so many Bing searches—I know what I’m doing tonight!) Around my younger siblings, I was generally a good example, but I did some dumb stuff sometimes. Around my girlfriends (and especially the girls I wished were my girlfriends) I tried to be smooth and debonair. Do you get my point? That’s like nine or ten different Kevins—way too many.

I wish I could say I graduated from these behaviors when I graduated from high school, but no, I didn’t even get a GED in keeping it real, or at least in keeping the Kevin count to a number I could perform on one hand. Even as a man in my forties, married for over two decades, with kids who are old enough to see right through these smoke screens, I have felt the Kevin count creeping up at various times in the last ten or twenty years.

For example, there have been times where I was less concerned about the kind of movies or TV shows I watched. When I consider media consumption, there has been the Kevin who wasn’t too bothered at all by seeing a show that might now make me blush, there was the Kevin who was most concerned with ensuring his kids didn’t see him watching that kind of stuff, the Kevin who didn’t watch it because it was not productive use of his time, and nowadays, I’m pretty conservative and just don’t have a desire to see the Hangover Part 6 or whatever. Lots of Kevins, even around that one seemingly insignificant facet of life…

Also, there have been times when I let my guard down a bit at work, and would say things or joke or even just laugh as others said things that I wouldn’t be laughing at today, and especially not in the presence of my wife or kids or mom. There have been times when maybe I wasn’t my best Kevin at work, as far as commitment or performance go. There have been Kevins who acted differently at church from those Kevins who got too irreverent with co-workers.

Most ashamedly, there have been times when I treated seemingly everybody better than I did my own wife, Darcie. I would be patient, understanding, and positive with bosses, co-workers and employees, while being impatient at home, criticizing at home, unsupportive and ungrateful at home. I hope that Kevin stays away, and that Darcie and the kids have not seen him around in a long time.

There has been the Kevin who was so strategic, methodical, clear-minded and purpose-driven at work, while just kind of letting things happen at home. What a jerk that Kevin was, with such misguided priorities.

I think it should be said that none of these Kevins have been vicious, neglectful, nefarious or downright evil. Not blatantly bad, but just too many shades from good to fair to you know you can do better, depending on the audience and situation. And that is the problem—over the years there have been too many lukewarm, wavering, tolerant, comfortable, coasting Kevins, and not enough deliberate, consistent, reliable, AWESOME Kevins, always at their best—transparent, positive, and powerfully clear and dependable, to everyone Kevins deal with. I should also say, in the past few years I have gotten better at being me—fewer Kevins, with a tighter, clearer circle that I find myselves living in, with smaller variations in behavior. More authentic, more real.

There have been many factors in my getting clearer with who I am, who I want to be, and how I act in every situation. There is huge power in the Priesthood of God—I have been the receiver and the enabler of some amazing blessings over the years, particularly the last three years or so. There are many sources of learning and inspiration I draw from, chief of which is good writing, starting with the Holy Scriptures. Jesus taught us in Matthew, as part of His sermon on the mount, to let our lights shine before others, not to use varying degrees of dampening, depending on the time or place or audience.

Teachings of modern personal productivity gurus like Stephen Covey have been helpful too. Covey taught a lot about self-awareness and integrity, and about living and growing from the inside out, which is the opposite of too many Kevins. One of his gems: “As you live your values, your sense of identity, integrity, control, and inner-directedness will infuse you with both exhilaration and peace. You will define yourself from within, rather than by people’s opinions or by comparisons to others.” Read that one again—it’s amazing! And it’s hard to find identity, integrity, exhilaration, and peace with all those Kevins acting in so many varied ways.

Modern prophets and apostles have also helped me understand and live these principles. Gordon B. Hinckley said, in a talk given almost 13 years ago that I still remember, “We… must stand above the ways of the world. We must discipline ourselves. We cannot be self-righteous, but we can and must be decent, honorable men. Our behavior in public must be above reproach. Our behavior in private is even more important.” He continued, “The manner of our living, the words we speak, and our everyday behavior have a bearing upon our effectiveness… It is not as a cloak that we put on and take off at will. It is, when exercised in righteousness, as the very tissue of our bodies, a part of us at all times and in all circumstances.”

I like the imagery of putting on and taking off a cloak, and of how this integrity and self awareness (but never self-righteousness!) become part of us, like the tissue of our bodies. Finally, I love Neal A. Maxwell’s quote about us trying with futility to live good lives and do what we know we ought to while we “keep a summer cottage in Babylon.” All those Kevins certainly had summer cottages and winter homes where they could indulge in a little ‘harmless fun’ with the guys at work, or watch movies or listen to music that pull them in meandering directions.

It is really simply good old-fashioned study and prayer and repentance that bring to us that sense of ‘one-ness;’ with ourselves, with our families and loved ones, and with God. That same ‘one-ness’ that is brought about by Jesus’ atonement (or at-one-ment) for us.

Back in first grade, they ended up transferring two of the Kevins out of our class-- Kevin R and the other Kevin A. Four Kevins was just too many to handle; way too confusing and distracting. Almost 40 years later, too many Kevins can still be a problem if I lose sight of who I am, why I’m here, and what my priorities are.

And that leads me to my only New Year’s resolution—to be myself, my best self, my real self; just one Kevin, at all times, and in all things, and in all places, better than I’ve ever done it before. And I expect most people will like the real Kevin just fine.